So lately I have been feeling a bit adrift. Going through my days. Getting things done. But not really feeling excited by much. Which I find frustrating because the truth is that I have complete control over my schedule and my life. Which would seem to imply that I should be able to figure out a way to have it work and not feel as frustrated, right?
I woke up this morning feeling fairly down about the fact that I have not been able to figure this out yet. I have learned all sorts of things over the past couple of decades about how I work...what makes me tick. And I have made progress in many areas. However, I still don't feel like I have a good idea of how to make my days flow...of how to let go of whatever internal pressure I am putting on myself and let myself really enjoy my life. Because there truly is so much to enjoy.
It is not like my days are miserable or overly unenjoyable. I just seem to have a knack of turning things that I could and do enjoy into some sort of "should" or something to be checked off my To Do list.
I want more than that. More than just going through the motions of my day. I want to feel excited about what I am choosing to do each day. For the past few months, I have been exploring what that might look like, but with limited success. I kept thinking that I needed an overall plan and an idea of what "it" should look like. A routine to make it happen. Maybe even some goals.
So that is what I have been trying to do—figure out what I want to do before doing it. Which also explains why it has not been getting me anywhere. Who am I kidding? That is just not the way that I work.
The way that I work is figuring it out as I go. And in order to figure things out, I need a way to process my thoughts and ideas. To get them out into the world so I can figure out what I think and know (yes, I'm a classic extrovert!)
Which leads me back here. To blogging. But not blogging in any systematic way or with any particular goal in mind. You won't find how-tos, Pinterest-ready graphics, a coordinated social media presence or even a regular posting schedule.
What you will find is the exploration of relationships and what makes people tick. Thoughts on how personality types can help our self-understanding. Reflections on homeschooling. Photography. Reviews of good books. Musings on acceptance—both of ourselves and of life. Navigating transitions—I'm heading towards 50 and my boys are now a teen and a young adult. Living with anxiety. So many possibilities. Basically, anything that I want to explore at a deeper level.
I have to admit that just writing this feels exciting to me. Which means I must be on to something. I'm thinking that the key for me is to focus on how what I want to do makes me feel and prioritize those things which make me feel alive. In other words, do more of what I enjoy and want to do and trust the rest will fall into place.
It's a theory anyway. Here's to seeing how it all plays out.