My Relationship with Time
Sunday, January 24, 2010 at 02:41PM One of the things that I have been struggling with for awhile now is that I always felt like I never had “enough time,” yet when I looked at what I was spending my time on, most of it was spent on things that I enjoy and was choosing to do. Things like homeschooling, writing on my blog, working on my photography, my volunteer work for VaHomeschoolers, organizing my pictures, making photo books, and reading. These are all things that I like to do, that I want to do.
I am blessed to be home with my boys and not have to “work”, yet I still felt like a workaholic…but instead of outside-the-home work driving me, it was with things that I wanted to do. How ironic is that? Too often it felt that even these “enjoyable” things were draining to me…just another thing on my “to-do list.”
I kept looking for a way to structure my day to “make it work”…I tend to resist schedules since I never manage to keep to them and find them constraining. I thought about trying to add some rhythm to our days, but nothing ever really “took” and again, I seemed to fight it. I knew that I needed to make changes, but exactly what changes alluded me.
Then while reading The Not So Big Life, this passage jumped out at me:
Whenever we engage in a project, we perceive that project as being something out there in the world, something outside ourselves. But when our to-do list is running us instead of serving as a management aid, it’s a flag that we’ve lost sight of the inspiration and vision behind what we are doing.
~ Sarah Susanka, The Not So Big Life
I suddenly realized that this was exactly what had happened in my life. My motivation had shifted to “getting things done” rather than to exploring my interests and passions. So even when I am doing something that I enjoy, I feel pressed for time, which means that I am not fully present. I am often worried that I won’t be able to finish what I want to do in the amount of time I have to do it. Which paradoxically enough, leads to me feeling stressed and anxious, even when I am “getting things done.” I can never get “enough” done, because there is always more to add to my list. It is like being on a hamster wheel getting nowhere. No wonder I am exhausted half the time.
This realization was very eye-opening to me. I have started thinking about what do I want to spend my time on? What are my passions? What activities energize and engage me? Why do I never feel as if I have enough time? I know…pretty basic questions, but ones which I am seeing with new eyes.
It is getting late, so I am going to continue this tomorrow (seems I have run out of time!) I am really making an effort lately to not stay up too late. I can see a big difference in my outlook when I get a good nights rest and I truly am a morning person, so it really is better for me to go to bed early and get up early. Again, another basic idea that I have much better appreciation of as I get older.
Not So Big Life, Sarah Susanka in My Observations, Spirituality 
Reader Comments (11)
Are you familiar with the blog Handmade Homeschool? She has been experimenting with this more mindful approach for a long time and her archives might be inspiring to you. (Her son is maybe a bit like your boys, too.)
You also might find some of the ideas at The Fluent Self helpful. Around identifying patterns and shifting them.
I think you've identified a really important piece here and just noticing it might lead to some shifts.
I like this. My curiosity is with the narrow line between the things that *need* to be done, and the things we *want* to do.
In theory, we have time to do both but in practice it feels like there isn't time for wants -- only time for needs. It gets even more complicated when the two mix: I *want* to own a house, therefore I *need* to go to my less-than-ideal day-job.
Yes, I have been following and enjoying Sarah since she was blogging as Mary Poppins Academy. I have definitely appreciated her insight into her journey over the years. The Fluent Self is new to me...I will give it a look.
And you are right about recognizing these things being half the battle. But it is a bit more than just "knowing" it, I am finding that I am now ready not just to know it, but to feel it..to believe it. I mean, what I am talking about here is not anything that I have not read and understood intellectually for years. Just "seeing" it in a different light now.
Hmm, food for thought - looking forward to reading the next post..
I'm seeing a trend on various blog I read (homeschooling, art, design, other). It seems that about this time every year (Jan), people tend to look within. I'm feeling this way lately myself. It seems the colder months keep us inside more physically, but also mentally within our heads. I'm trying to embrace it as a time to just slow down, breathe deep, listen, and learn (and not beat myself up about it). Our homeschool has been much more relaxed this month and we're doing more field trips. I enjoy reading your insights and have gained so much knowledge through your blog. Your own personal answers seem to be bubbling up to the surface for you. Since you are listening, you'll get it figured out. Thanks for sharing; it helps us all.
Another thought-provoking post, Stephanie. I think I'll wake up tomorrow with a new respect for my own time...thank you.
Warmly,
Linda
"My curiosity is with the narrow line between the things that *need* to be done, and the things we *want* to do. "
This is part of what I am exploring too. Obviously, there are things that need to be done and you can't just skip off following your bliss every single minute of the day. But the point that Sarah makes in her book is that if you keep putting off the things that feed your soul, you are depriving yourself incredibly. She talks about how she was not sure how she could find the time to write (which was something that she was always drawn to) when she was in the middle of a thriving architecture career. But she decided to make time for it and just started making time to write every day...which soon turned into her writing about how living and housing intersect with the Not So Big House.
I know that since I have started trying viewing things through the idea of "making time for my passions" I have become more aware of how I spend a lot of time on things that are not really very important...they do not "feed" me, nor are they things that I "need" to do. I actually want to explore this a bit in another post.
"I'm trying to embrace it as a time to just slow down, breathe deep, listen, and learn (and not beat myself up about it). "
That is the tricky part, isn't it Diana? Both the listening and the not beating yourself up about it. I am finding all of a sudden that my awareness of how things are working/not working in my life is much more clear. And I am finding it fascinating.
I had to come back and read your post again this morning. It hit me last night - that part of my grumpy winter blues is the fact that I haven't made my artwork a priority. Any spare time goes to computer, home improvements, or cleaning. I've amazed myself in the past with how much happiness I can gain with just 15 minutes of creative play or artwork. I realized I need to make it a priority again. I might even add it to my schedule so I SEE it everyday.
Great post! I'm working on making more realistic to-do lists. In a perfect world, I have enough energy and motivation to do everything perfectly. If I would just work hard enough or if I just knew all the tricks, I could homeschool my children, have a perfectly clean house, serve awesome dinners every night, and have energy left over for my own hobbies. But I don't live in that perfect world, and eventually something has to give. It's usually housekeeping!
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Lucy
http://businesseshome.net