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Originally posted on Instagram

Well, hello there 2019!

I have to admit that I am not sure exactly how to describe by experience of 2018. Lots of good things happened. Yet I think I’ve also been working my way through what Brené Brown calls a Midlife Unraveling. Anxiety has been truly knocking me for a loop since this summer and exposing deeply buried truths about myself. Which, while awful in the moment is proving life altering in the process. Like I’m tearing down the scaffolding I’ve used to prop myself up and get myself through.

Which is allowing me glimpses of my true self which has been there all along.

I’ve always loved the idea of picking a word for the year. Yet I’ve also resisted it. Felt like too much pressure to get it right. For this Enneagram Type 9, it also asked me to know myself. Not always a comfortable thing.

I had no intention of picking one for 2019. But without even trying, it seems as if one has picked me.

RELAX.

One of my discoveries during my unraveling is that the more I can relax into who I am—into my truth—the more grounded and at peace I feel. The more I can relax the chatter in my mind and relax the desperate desire to believe I have the ability to control what is happening around me, the more easily my life unfolds.

Yet relaxed is not my natural state because of years of unhealthy coping mechanisms (which also allowed me to get through what I needed to get through.) I need to reprogram my brain to relax. To trust. To give myself space.

That actually feels like a wonderful intention for this goal averse gal who’s tired of working so damned hard to make her life work. So I’m going with it.

Here’s to seeing where it takes me.

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