This Mindfulness Stuff Can Be Hard

I am finding that it is really easy to get lost in the day-to-day activities of life, especially when things get busy. But this is obviously nothing new and not very surprising. Pretty much describes the human condition.

My morning meditation is going really well. I pretty much started out making myself just sit still for 10 minutes. It was hard at first, but now I am finding that I feel “off” if I don’t sit and that I am naturally increasing the amount of time that I sit. I try to get at least 30 minutes in if I can. Sometimes I will focus on a short message that speaks to where I am. Sometimes I focus on my breath. Many (most?) times I am really antsy and my mind is swirling non-stop. And the neat thing is that I am getting more and more ok with this. But recently, I have been experiencing what I have come to recognize as “being present.” I usually recognize it mostly after the fact, when I sense a slight jolt in my consciousness, almost like being jarred awake as my thoughts come flooding back in louder than ever. It is kind of cool, as this is not something that I can “make” happen…it just happens…sometimes. 

I am finding it trickier to be completely present outside of meditation. I am still trying to figure out what it means exactly. I do know that I have had times where I have been fully focused and engrossed in an activity to where time seemed to stand still…but lately those times are far and few between.

I am more aware now of just how much of my day I spend worried about what I need to do in the future and how I am going to get it done. Yikes. What I am also noticing is that when I focus on everything that I need to do, I start feeling as if I have less and less time in which to do it. Which causes me to worry even more. I can see where staying present with the task at hand makes sense…but I am finding it really hard to do.

Especially when, as it has been lately, I don’t seem to have too much downtime. Usually I am able to get some breathing room on the weekends, but even those have been really crowded — my retreat, the conference, Kids Tech University with Jason, Kyle’s birthday party. It just seems to be one thing after the other…mostly fun, but still extremely busy. Today has been the first day in a long time where I feel as if I have had some time to stop and gain some perspective. Not for a lack of time though…rather for a lack of awareness. I actually do have “downtime” in my days…I just tend to fill it way too quickly, often with mindless computer stuff. And the more things that I have going on, the easier it is to forget to take time to breathe.

But instead of looking at this as a “failure” to be mindful, I am realizing that this realization is part of the process to becoming mindful. Just being aware of how not having space affects me is progress. I don’t know exactly what I need to do about it, but that is ok too. I am going to trust that now that I am more aware, the next step will reveal itself when I am ready.

I guess this is what they call taking a “leap of faith”…