Ocean City, Maryland - September 2007

Ocean City, Maryland - September 2007

It has been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Shortly after Christmas, I had an awakening of sorts. One of those things that only happens when you get so completely and utterly overwhelmed that you just finally let go. You let go of trying to figure it out. You let go of trying to “handle” it. You let go and accept that you honestly can not control your life. In a way, you give up.

And that is where the shift happened. I can’t completely explain it. But I am seeing things differently. Nothing has actually changed, but things (some things) are more clear. It is as if all these things that I knew in my head have finally seeped into my heart. I finally “get it” and the biggest thing that I get is that there is no one “it” to get. That this does not mean that everything is “fixed,” just that I have taken the next step on my journey and that there will be many more steps and many more “its” to get.

I tend to, as they say, “live in my head.” And have long felt that it is not a matter of “knowing what to do,” for I know what to do. Honestly. I do. I have been in therapy for years. I have read tons of books. I have tried to develop good habits. I get that I need to be mindful and accepting in my day to day life. I get that I need to accept the things that I cannot change, change the things that I can and be able to tell the difference. I do. I know this. In my head. The question has been how do I get to really know this, deep down. In my heart. Not in my head. So that I can trust that things will work out, even if I don’t know or can’t see how.

And here is what I have found. There is no “way.” No book or person can tell me “you have to do xyz and you will get it.” Because my journey is what it is. It is my own. It may not be completely unique, as most of what we experience in life is not (even though we like to tell ourselves it is). But it is mine. And I have to feel it and, most of all, accept it, with all its messy imperfections.

Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness. ~ Pema Chodron

In my life I have been blessed to find the people and support that I need. And the best teachers do not tell me what to do or not to do. They trust that I will know what is right for me when I need to know it. Because they don’t know what is right for me. But they do know I will find it. And now I do too.

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